We all know what anger feels like. It’s that rage you get inside when someone cuts you off in traffic. It’s your child stomping their feet when they don’t want to go home. It’s that rise in blood pressure you feel when your teen refuses to cooperate. Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion that everyone experiences. But sometimes our anger gets out of control, and we don’t know how to deal with it. You might feel overly stressed, irritable, and like you could explode at any moment. Or maybe you get upset easily, and that feeling of anger lingers for a long time. It may even be affecting your relationships. Sometimes we say crazy things we don’t mean when we’re angry, and if we’re constantly irritable, who wants to be around us?!
No one wants to feel angry, but how can we get our anger under control when our blood is boiling?
1. Identify your Triggers
Anger can be caused by different situations. It may be external, like certain comments from family members or conflicts in relationships that get you riled up. Or, it may be internal, like overeating or having negative thoughts about yourself. Some things are under our control and others are not. Maybe there are specific situations like traffic or canceled plans that trigger the state of anger. In some cases, anger may be a symptom of an underlying mental health concern. For instance, conditions including ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and OCD can cause anger.
2. Engage in Problem-Solving
Sometimes anger is caused by real and uncontrollable situations in our lives. In these cases, it is more beneficial to focus on how you handle the problem, such as engaging in some of the strategies below. In other circumstances, we can identify solutions to solve problems that are causing us anger. Ask yourself, “Is there a solution I can find to this problem that is in my control?” For example, if your mother is often late to your weekly lunch, schedule a time that works better for both of your schedules. Additionally, if your daughter upsets you by leaving clothes all over her room, close the door. Moreover, if your co-worker makes a mistake that gets you upset, take some time to cool off and then send them a respectful email to identify what went wrong and how to move forward.
3. Improve your Communication
Often when we’re angry about something, we jump to conclusions and act on emotion. In these moments, it’s easy to say or do things we’ll later regret. Take a few minutes to slow down and think carefully about how you’d like to respond. It is natural to get defensive, but it is important to communicate respectfully and nonconfrontationally. Fighting back by criticizing, blaming, name calling, or swearing at the other person will only cause harm and make them upset. Instead, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and state your concerns and needs directly and clearly. You can use “I” statements to describe the problem. For example, instead of saying “you didn’t take out the garbage when I told you multiple times to do it,” say, “I get upset when you don’t take out the garbage. It makes me feel like you aren’t listening to me.”
4. Change your Surroundings
Sometimes when we’re angry, we just need to get out of our environment for a moment. If you can get out of the situation, take some time to release your stress by going for a brisk walk or doing some stretches. It is important to give yourself a break every day, even if just for 15 minutes. Make it a routine to schedule personal time. This is especially beneficial for stressful days. For example, if you come home from work after a long and busy day but know you’ll only be unleashing your frustration onto your partner, get some quiet time alone first. Taking a few minutes to wind down will prevent you from blowing off steam on someone else and possibly causing more reason for anger.
5. Practice Relaxation Techniques
You might not want to hear it but practicing simple relaxation skills can help you calm down when you’re angry if you’re open to trying them. When we’re angry, our bodies go into fight or flight mode and that’s why our heart rate increases and our breathing becomes more rapid. Taking deep and controlled breaths slows down your body’s stress response. You can also imagine a relaxing experience and use that imagery, real or made up, to bring about feelings of calm. Some people like to repeat mantras and affirmations, like “relax, slow down” or “take it easy” to calm themselves down. Others may find exercises like mindfulness meditation or yoga help to relax the body. Whatever technique you use, practice it daily and it eventually it will become an automatic response when you get angry.
6. Change your Thinking
Notice how when you’re angry, you often use extreme words like “never” and “always” and exaggerate the situation? That’s your emotional brain. When you catch yourself thinking in this way, try changing those thoughts to more rational or balanced ones. For example, instead of saying, “This entire day is ruined and I’m never going to get over this,” tell yourself, “I know this is a frustrating situation and I’m allowed to be upset about it, but this feeling will eventually pass, and I won’t let this ruin my day.” Remind yourself that your angry thoughts won’t actually fix anything or make you feel better.
7. Know When to Seek Anger Management Therapy
We recommend you choose one or two of these tips that will feel easier to you and start practicing. Learning how to manage anger is challenging, and it’s okay if you need some extra support. If you feel like your anger is unbearable and negatively affecting your life and your relationships, seeing a therapist can help. With your anger management therapist, you can develop strategies to change your thinking and behaviour. Ready to take back control and fight the beast within?
Edited by Silvina Galperin, C. Psych.
