Couples have numerous moments of daily contact; these contacts can be verbal or nonverbal, such as a look, a touch, a gesture or a question- any single expression that says “I want to feel connected to you.” A relationship is all about these small moments, known as “emotional bids”, for they are the way in which intimacy and trust are built.
Think of some of the couples you know. The ones that we consider solid are good at handling conflict. It’s not that they don’t get mad and disagree. It is that these couples have some kind of secret weapon against criticism, defensiveness, and hostility – which are the harmful interactions that could destroy any relationship. These couples have mastered the emotional bid. By making a habit of being mindful of your own and your partner’s attempts for connection, you will have better access to the healing power of affection and compassion during times of conflict.
An example of a bid can be one spouse asking the other, who is watching TV: Did you hear the news about the new animal that was brought into the zoo? The spouse may not be interested at all in this topic, but it is important that they look at the partner and acknowledge them. Lack of response will feel like a rejection, as it is not about the topic itself, but the feeling that one has a partner to talk to about anything.
Not everybody feels that connecting emotionally is easy, but the good news is that it can be learned, practiced, and mastered. It takes conscious effort and persistence, but if both parties are willing to hang in there, pay attention, and change directions when necessary, they can improve the relationship. When people have difficulties in putting new ideas into practice, they can consult a couples counselor or marriage therapist.
Any small effort can get the ball rolling in the right direction. This means you can start anytime, anywhere to improve your relationships and your life. Opportunities for making and responding to bids are abound- a typical happy couple may make 100 bids over the course of the dinner hour.
If you are feeling that the magic in your relationship is missing and want to improve your connection with your partner, try paying attention to your own bids and responses to your partner’s bids; you would be surprised at the spark this could create between the two of you. If you have been trying this and still feel that your relationship is suffering, don’t hesitate to contact a couples counselor or marriage therapist to get the help you need to attain the relationship you desire.
*The term “emotional bid,” was coined by John Gottman, couples therapist and expert in the field.
Read more about breaking fight cycles in couple relationships.
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Written By: Dr. Silvina Galperin PhD, C. Psych.
