Narcissistic Mother
How to Cope with Having a Narcissistic Mother
Part of being a child means looking to our parents for love, support, and encouragement. Our parents set the foundation for feelings of safety and trust in others. It is important for children to feel seen and heard by their loved ones as they grow up. It can be really painful to grow up with a parent who denies a child of these emotional security blankets. Unfortunately, this is the reality for children who grow up with narcissistic mothers.
A narcissistic mother is unable to give their child the full attention and validation they need to feel loved and emotionally secure. This may impact the child’s beliefs, behaviors, and self-esteem well into adulthood.
Keep reading this article to learn about narcissistic mothers and how to cope with the pain that comes with having one.
What is Narcissism?
Some narcissistic mothers could meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This is a psychological personality disorder characterized by a specific set of traits. A narcissistic mother may feel entitled or self-important, seek admiration from others, believe she is above others, lack empathy, exploit her children, put others down, experience hypersensitivity to criticism, believe she deserves special treatment, and worst of all, maybe naïve to the damage she is causing.
In addition, a narcissistic mother may use her children to advance her own goals and wishes, at the expense of the child’s desires and even emotional or physical needs. For example, a narcissistic mother may order her child to help with her bags after complaining of being tired from a long workday and not care to ask her child about how their day at school went. As a result, the children of narcissistic mothers may grow up feeling confused, invalidated, inferior, and unloved.
Characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother
While not all narcissistic mothers have NPD, expressing narcissistic tendencies can be just as damaging to a child. Here are some telltale signs you may have a narcissistic mother.
- She constantly makes the conversation to be about her
- Brags about your achievements to others, but rarely validates or acknowledges you personally
- Blames others for any problems you may have that stem from her behavior
- Is well-liked and important to others, but controlling and harsh when no one is looking
- Makes you feel bad for not doing what she wants immediately
- Makes you feel guilty by boasting about how much she does for you
- Harshly opinionated at home but puts up a front for people she dislikes
- Ruthless and unforgiving, doing anything she can to be on top
- Makes you feel anxious and often lowers your confidence
What Can You Do to Cope with a Narcissistic Mother?
If you feel you have been affected by any of these traits, here are some things you can try to cope with having a narcissistic mother:
- Make Some Room: When she doesn’t get her way and takes it out on you, don’t be passive! Let her know this way of dealing with her anger is not constructive. Strategies to diffuse the situation can be challenging to come up with on your own on the spot so it is best to think in advance and be prepared for the next time that this happens.
- Accept and Let Go: Try to accept that her narcissism is rooted in an established pattern of beliefs and behaviours, and this is not your fault. Remember that her hurtful words and actions come from her problematic personality and they are probably not true about you and you don’t really deserve to be treated in an inconsiderate manner.
- Have Some Confidence: Dealing with a narcissistic mother can be deeply painful as she may not recognize your accomplishments and strengths. In recognizing her narcissism, it is also important to recognize your own self-worth, even when she downplays your strengths. Engaging in hobbies that enhance your skills and sense of accomplishment will help to boost your confidence.
- Lean on Others: While nothing can replace the validation a child receives from their mother, there may be other supportive figures you can lean on like friends, teachers, co-workers, or other family members that you are close to and show empathy and care about you.
If you ever feel your safety or mental health is at risk, it may be necessary to keep your distance altogether, read books to understand this condition, and maybe get help from a caring therapist.
Here is a video of licensed therapist Kati Morton discussing some of the consequences of narcissistic parenting and strategies to cope with it, including trauma therapy, which is further discussed below:
When to Get Professional Help
If you feel like you went through a lot growing up with a narcissistic mother, you may need to address the issues and trauma left behind. You may want to consult with a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Trauma Therapy. A psychotherapist knowledgeable about narcissistic parents may help you recognize your childhood pain and any effects of trauma, help you heal and move forward. A therapist can also help you replace the lingering negative maternal voice in your head with a healthier one.
Knowledge is power. Becoming aware of the shortcomings of your narcissistic mother can leave you with a sense of freedom and power. Addressing your issues in therapy may allow you to free yourself from negative core beliefs that you may have developed as a result of the parenting that constantly made you feel inferior or inadequate and develop the sense of value and respect that we all deserve.
Edited by Dr. Silvina Galperin, C. Psych.
