Our lives are filled with apparent opposites: we have a million of things to do, yet never have the time to do them; we want to do everything perfectly, yet keep making mistakes; we want to be independent, yet crave connection with others… But what if instead of viewing these as contradictory, we looked at them as complementary, as two parts to be integrated into a new whole?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy is based on a dialectical worldview. That worldview stresses that everything around us is filled with opposites, which rather than being contradictory, can both be true at the same time. For example, we can accept that this is where we are at this point in our lives and make an effort to change it. We can be angry with someone and still love them very much. Realizing this can help us open our minds, allowing positive change to take place.
In fact, dialectical worldview emphasizes that change is the only constant there is, and that change is continuously taking place. Accepting this allows us to be more flexible and open to new ideas since it suggests that what is true at one point in time may no longer be true later on. Dialectical worldview also highlights the transactional nature of change in that we both influence our surroundings and are influenced by it. Similarly, it highlights that everything in the universe is interconnected in some way. Recognizing that both we and our environment play a role in everything that happens helps to reduce blame, which we can sometimes place disproportionately on ourselves, on someone else, or on the circumstances.
How can we use such dialectical worldview to inform our thoughts and actions? First, we must always look at both sides of the story, be it a disagreement with a loved one, a challenge we face at work, or a situation in which our rational and our emotional self-clash. It is often a good idea to try and find the kernel of truth in the other side, even when we disagree with it, as it helps to increase empathy and find a compromise, especially when dealing with other people. It may be helpful to play ‘devil’s advocate’ as a way of trying to understand the other side. It is also helpful to notice and move away from extremes in our thinking, such as when we use “always/never” and “nothing/everything”. When something unfortunate or undesirable happens, looking for the silver lining can decrease negative emotions, especially when we have little control over the circumstances. Finally, given that change is inevitable, although so many of us are uncomfortable with it, it can be especially beneficial to recognize that inevitability and make an effort to radically accept any changes, integrating them with whatever seeming misfits they encounter in our lives.
One practical way of trying to integrate dialectical thinking into our lives is to notice when we use the word “but” and replace it with the word “and”. For instance, consider the following examples of opposites that can both be true at the same time:
- You can be tough and you can be gentle
- Someone may have good reasons for wanting something from you and you may have good reasons for still saying “no”
- Someone may want you to be happy and still refuse to do something you ask
- You can feel emotions and still be able to tolerate your emotions
- You can disagree with someone and still respect them
Now think of a few examples that are especially relevant to you
Noticing such seemingly contradictory ideas in our lives and changing them into dialectical statements can help to move us away from extremes in our thinking and behaviour and to arrive at a synthesis in order to become unstruck.
Written by: Jane Mizevich, Ph.D., C.Psych.
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