Edited by Dr. Silvina Galperin, C. Psych.
If you had to spend your entire life with someone constantly by your side, how important would be to have a positive relationship with that person? Wouldn’t you want to make sure you were good friends and it was a supportive relationship?
What if I told you that person constantly by your side is YOU. For many of us, we spend our entire lives with our own thoughts, but our inner voice is not positive or supportive. Keep on reading to learn how to cultivate self-compassion.
What is Self-Compassion & What Does it Look Like
Self-compassion refers to the way we treat ourselves with unconditional kindness. Dr. Kristen Neff, a leader in self-compassion research, describes it as involving 3 aspects:
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness means being gentle, supportive, and caring with ourselves. Instead of harshly judging ourselves for our struggles, mistakes, or failures, we unconditionally accept ourselves as we are. It’s like a personal vow, “in sickness and in health,” we make to always be kind to ourselves no matter what. Self-kindness is about recognizing that we are imperfect, but that imperfection does not mean we do not have worth. You may hear that self-compassion is treating ourselves like we would treat a cherished friend or loved one. However, while this is helpful, it might not be strong enough. Instead, one way we can practice self-compassion is by imagining ourselves as a child and treating ourselves how we would treat a child. For example, a crying child would not want to be judged for being upset. Instead, they would want a hug and someone to tell them that it’s okay to be sad.
Common Humanity
This means acknowledging that our suffering and imperfections are part of the shared human experience. Everyone experiences negative emotions and struggles with self-worth sometimes. The people we follow online may appear to have polished, perfect lives. However, we all experience tough times, even if it does not appear that way. It is comforting to remind ourselves we are not alone. So, self-compassion means giving ourselves the permission to be imperfect, because everyone else is too. With common humanity, we accept that we can be flawed, lazy, and unproductive sometimes – which is what makes us human. It is a new perspective that we usually need to keep reminding ourselves of.
Mindfulness
Being mindful means observing the thoughts and feelings we experience in the present moment without judgment. We often respond to our negative emotions by exaggerating them or trying to suppress and numb them. Mindfulness helps us acknowledge our suffering in a more objective and less negative or self-critical way. It means trying to be aware of when our thoughts and feelings come from a place of self-criticism, and simply recognizing and having compassion for the critical voice. This practice reduces rumination, increases self-worth, and stops us from giving into negativity. It might take some practice, but the more we do it, the more natural it becomes.
Self-Compassion vs Self-Pity vs Self-Esteem
You might be thinking, “is self-compassion just high self-esteem?” The answer is no. While self-esteem relies on our successes, self-compassion is a choice that does not depend on success. Self-esteem is the evaluation we give ourselves, as being better or worse than others. Thus, it involves a comparison. On the other hand, self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves without comparison. Our worth does not come from other people. Instead, we view ourselves as enough simply because we are human.
In this Ted-Talk by Dr. Kristin Neff, she discusses this difference between self-esteem and self-compassion:
Similarly, self-compassion is NOT the same as self-pity. We often experience self-pity as a “woe is me” feeling. It isolates us and makes us feel like we are the only ones suffering. Self-compassion, through common humanity, reminds us that suffering is not unique to us, so that we can free ourselves from it.
Self-Compassion Applied in Therapy
Developing self-compassion takes time and effort. A therapist can help you develop this skill using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy, and Compassion-Focused therapy. In a safe and supportive environment, a therapist can help you notice your thoughts and feelings, develop empathy for others, develop compassion toward yourself, and guide you to examine some of your beliefs. Eventually, you can practice these skills on your own.
Sending Compassion
One way a therapist may help a client develop self-compassion is by having them focus on an object or person they love, and imagine sending that love, compassion, and warmth towards that object or person.
Recognizing & Accepting Feelings with Self-Love
Another way a therapist may help a client develop self-compassion is by helping them recognize and accept their feelings and apply self-love. If a client is feeling anxious, the therapist may encourage them to respond to themselves by saying, “I am feeling anxious in this moment. It is okay to feel this way. I am allowed to feel anxious, and I do not need to make this feeling go away right now.” Then, the therapist may guide the client to practice self-kindness and self-love, by asking themselves, “What can I do to make myself feel safer or more comfortable?” This encourages the client to listen to themselves. They can either take corrective action, or they can self-soothe by saying, “No matter what, I am still worthy of love and happiness.” Through this exercise, clients become more resilient to life’s challenges.
Compassion for our Flaws
Finally, developing self-compassion means having compassion for every aspect of ourselves, including the parts we may not like, or the parts we think are dysfunctional. For example, if a client sends an email with a typo to a co-worker, and calls themselves stupid, the therapist may encourage the client to instead say, “Everyone makes mistakes sometimes.” The inner critic may immediately respond by saying, “Yes, you are stupid. You were not careful and now your co-worker will think you are not professional.”
From here, the therapist may encourage the client to take a breath, and instead of being more reactive or avoiding these negative thoughts through distraction, be loving towards the critic by saying, “I understand you are worried about looking unprofessional. Are you trying to remind me to be more careful?” This exercise forces clients to listen to the parts of themselves that are suffering and hear the helpful message without accepting criticism.
Start Now
Ultimately, developing self-compassion, both inside and outside the therapy room, requires a lot of practice and effort. It can be tempting to give up, but in the end, self-compassion can create a lot of positive change in our lives, if we only welcome it inside.
If you would like to start practicing some exercises of self-compassion on your own, you can check out this link.
To start your journey of bringing more compassion into your life, you can book an appointment with one of our skilled therapists here.
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