Dr. Kristin Neff, mindful self-compassion expert, recommends to hug yourself every morning as a gesture of love and kindness. I would never have even considered doing something like this a decade ago. Now, it’s part of my mindful meditation practice. Reflecting on this transformation, I began to think about the stories people have shared with me about their healing journeys with mindfulness and meditation. I would like to share one such story with you.
A few years ago, I suggested to a friend – let’s call her Fran – that she join a mindful meditation group. I bumped into her recently and she said she was doing very well now and it was, in large part, due to following up on this suggestion. In fact, she is now an avid meditator and could not imagine her life without it. I asked her about her experiences since I facilitate mindfulness groups. She happily and eagerly gave me permission to share her story with you.
The facilitator of the mindfulness group that Fran joined was a lovely man and doctor with Parkinson’s disease. He had benefitted from learning mindfulness himself and, like many meditation teachers, wanted to pass on what he had gained from this ancient practice. Fran told me that, while the doctor was interviewing her for the group, her mind was filled with judgements: What in the world am I doing here? What could I possibly get out of this experience? She also called a friend before the start of the group to tell her that she promises not to become one of those people – those people who do yoga at random on a patch of grass in the park, those people who walk around in an apparent daze that they surely think is blissful but which others see as zombie-like. (Funnily enough, when Fran sees people doing yoga and meditation in public now, she understands their intentions and wants to join them.)
Fran recalled being told that each group session was two hours long. This felt like forever when she could barely focus or stay in one position for a few minutes. At first, she could not tolerate sitting in the group. In fact, she kept trying to leave the circle. It wasn’t only the physical discomfort from her back pain that caused this issue; subconsciously, she was trying to separate herself from everyone else, as if to say, “I’m not like you”. Looking back, she said that she did this because she did not want her life to be as sad as theirs seemed. She did not want to accept that sense of desperation that was already present inside of her. The group facilitator was persistent in quietly asking her to join the group. She thought to herself, How dare he? What an unreasonable demand it was to actually join the group that she had joined! She did it, though.
Giving over to being part of the group was difficult for Fran, but it helped her face her fears and realize that we are all human, whether we like it or not, we are all in the same boat.
I remember reading in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Full Catastrophe Living, that while patients started his mindfulness course with forlorn expressions on their faces, by the end of it, their frowns were replaced by bright smiles. This is precisely what Fran described happening. I don’t want to mislead you: Fran was not “cured” of pain and suffering by the end of the course. Mindfulness did not magically take her or anyone else’s pain away. And yet, they could all smile by the end of the course – something they had not experienced in a long time.
Fran’s story is very important. It says that wherever you are in your mindfulness journey, you are not alone in your doubts, concerns, and other experiences. We are all in the same boat. Yes, passengers sit in different parts of the boat, and we can see the individual differences between us, which can make us feel all kinds of things. Sometimes, we want to crawl out of the boat or push someone else out of it. However, to reinvent the famous Kabat-Zinn quote, “Wherever you go, there you are”, I propose the addition, “and so are other people”.
By Jessica Israelstam (View Profile),
Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) and Meditation Teacher at
CBT Psychology for Personal Development
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