Am I living at work or working from home? When will I ever need trigonometry in my life? Oh right, to teach my child when the schools close down because of a global pandemic. Ugh, did he always chew that loud and I never noticed?!
It is probably safe to say that no one quite imagined 2020 unfolding this way. Freedoms and routines we took for granted stopped without warning. Personal, professional, and community relationships weathered tests we preferred never to encounter. In a paradoxical twist, we have never been so confined together and yet so far apart from each other. It is in this new reality that we face one of life’s toughest balancing acts: me vs. us.
What exactly does this mean? Have you ever described yourself as a people pleaser? Felt like everyone else’s needs trumped your own? Or perhaps you find yourself swayed constantly by the opinions of those around you until you feel anxious and paralyzed when it comes to making a decision. If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be struggling to assert and maintain your boundaries.
Two Types of Boundaries
Boundaries help us strengthen and manage our relationships with other people and within ourselves. Although you may be tempted to think of boundaries as keeping people out, it is more useful to think of them as building a fortified house. You would not want a house in which the door is always wide open, nor would you want one in which the door never opens. Having a house in which we can control the door opening and closing allows us to live safely while still connecting with the world. Similarly, having flexible boundaries allows us to let people in when needed and protect ourselves when danger lurks outside.
There are two types of relational boundaries through which we navigate the world.
1) External Boundaries
these are boundaries between people. Strong external boundaries allow us to control who, when, where, and how another person engages with us. This includes demarcating a physical bubble (e.g., how close someone is standing to me, what part of my body can that person touch etc.) as well as a privacy bubble (e.g., who can enter my room without knocking, who has my phone password etc.).
2) Internal Boundaries
These boundaries exist between our inner mental landscape and the external world. They govern how much of the external world impacts our feelings, thoughts, and sense of self. Strong internal boundaries allow us to maintain a coherent, consistent sense of self without being overly influenced by the opinions of others (e.g., if my partner calls me stupid, do I internalize that belief or do I recognize that it is my partner’s opinion, not my reality?). While it is normal to care about what others think of us, allowing those opinions to solely determine our identity can be detrimental.
Where Do Boundaries Come From?
There are many factors which influence how our boundaries form and develop:
- How we are raised
- What we value
- Our culture
- The relationship with the other person (we may allow more liberties to friends/family than strangers for example)
- Time (boundaries are flexible and most definitely change over time. What is okay today may not be okay tomorrow or vice versa)
Benefits of Healthy Boundary Setting
- Increased sense of safety
- Greater self-esteem
- More compassion (toward yourself and others)
- Less resentment
- Healthy communication styles
- Reduced conflict
Tips for Healthy Boundary Setting
First and foremost, get to know your boundaries.
Take some time to reflect on your value system, what you are willing to fight for, and what is important for you to preserve. You don’t have to have a prescribed set of boundaries right away, but this kind of self-reflection will allow you to develop some general guidelines (e.g., if I value alone time, I may decide to carve out space in my house and communicate to my family that I need time to recharge and kindly request they leave me alone for a set period of time).
Practice, practice, practice!
We have all heard the adage “learn to say no” but mentally saying “no” and verbally saying “no” out loud are very different experiences. Practice saying “no” aloud in front of a mirror. Also, practice sticking to your “no” by saying it more than once.
Practice pausing before you say “yes”.
Sometimes, we say “yes” not because we want to, but because it is a habit and the word has left our mouth before we can pull it back. Poor external boundaries often result in us taking on tasks begrudgingly or complying with little regard to our own well-being. By introducing some space between the request and our answer, we can learn to break the habit and instead, learn to say “yes” when we actually mean “yes”. A simple trick that can buy you some time to think is to repeat the request back to the individual under the guise of understanding it and then formulate/communicate your answer.
Recognize that there is more than one way to set a boundary.
For example, external boundaries can be set by physically taking a step back, turning away, setting a lock, etc. Internal boundaries can be strengthened by practicing affirmations (e.g., “I have the right to say no and not feel bad about it just because the other person doesn’t like my answer.”) or by visualizing a wall coming up between our mind and the outside world when we feel the need to protect our inner self.
Get comfortable with the discomfort!
Setting a boundary can be anxiety-provoking and uncomfortable until you get used to it.
Understand the life experiences that built your current set of boundaries.
The lessons we are taught in our childhood often shape our beliefs of what we deserve or what we must earn. This can strongly impact whether we are comfortable asking for what we need or communicating when we do not get what we need.
Marriage and family therapist Sarri Gilman explains how healthy boundaries can help us not only carve out some personal space but can also strengthen our relationships.
Whatever your current reality may be – living alone during this global crisis or surrounded by others but craving a little space – setting and maintaining healthy internal and external boundaries can help you move from “break it” to “make it”. Therapy can help you unravel some of these lessons and decide what you want to take with you, and what you want to leave behind.
If you would like to see a therapist to help you manage your interpersonal boundaries, you can contact us here.
“Feeling good enough begins with saying ‘enough’.”- Brene Brown
