“I need to exercise more; I ate too much today”
“That sounded so dumb, I can’t believe I said that”
“I didn’t finish all my goals today … I’m a failure”
These are a few real examples of some of the ways I was self-critical today.
Even when I think about moments when I accomplish something, I always tell myself I got lucky… that anyone could have done it. If you also sometimes struggle with self-criticism, then you know it is not an easy habit to overcome. We can’t simply suppress or shut down the critic!
However, it is important to remember that we have control over our mental space. This means we can learn to make our minds a more positive place to be. To learn more about self-criticism and some of my favorite tips to manage it, keep reading!
What is Self-Criticism?
- A person who is self-critical tends to evaluate themselves and their actions very harshly, focusing on their weaknesses, shortcomings, and mistakes
- More of a personality trait, so some people are more self-critical than others
o But if you think about it, to some degree I think we’re all our own worst critics. We’re so used to being in our own heads, that we may not even realize how self-critical we are. Try paying attention to the kinds of thoughts you have. You may find you are harder on yourself than you think.
o More common among those who have perfectionism, those who have a fear of failure, rejection, or guilt, and those who are goal/achievement oriented
- Why are we self-critical?
o Adaptive purpose of monitoring our own behavior and protecting us from psychological and physical threats.
Consequences of Self-Criticism
- Self-criticism is sometimes positive, allowing us to foster personal growth:
o We are able to acknowledge our mistakes and failures and learn from them
o We are able to cultivate more humility
o We can overcome or change unwanted habits or weaknesses
- However, most of the time self-criticism is harmful:
o It can prevent us from taking positive risks, being vocal about our opinions, and believing in ourselves
o We blame ourselves for every negative situation even when it might be out of our control eg, a drink spill, missing a train, etc.
o We compare ourselves to others, which usually makes us feel worse about ourselves
o We are never satisfied with our accomplishments and have incredibly high standards
o Have negative impacts on mental wellbeing: self-criticism is often linked to anxiety, social anxiety, depression, eating disorders, body image issues, inability to cope with problems (e.g. bottling up feelings, avoiding our problems through negative coping skills like substance use, etc.)
o Triggers negative feelings: sadness, disappointment, anger, shame, guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness
How to Respond to Your Self-Criticism
Identify your Strengths:
Managing self-critical thoughts is not something that can be cured overnight. However, identifying and reminding yourself of your strengths can help you regain your confidence. For example, “I am a good mother, father, daughter, son, friend, spouse, parent.” “I am a kind person.” “I feel empathy for others.” “I work hard.” “I never give up.” “I am learning how to be more kind to myself.” “I am doing the best that I can right now.”
Look for Evidence:
Do you really have good evidence to support your self-critical thought? For example, let’s say you didn’t do as well on your exam as you thought you would. You wanted an A-, but instead, you got a B+. Do you have real evidence to tell yourself, “I did horribly, now I’m going to fail this class”? Most likely, the answer will be NO! Remember, your mind often tells you lies.
Replace Self-Critical Thoughts:
Once you’ve identified you don’t have evidence to support your self-critical thought, try replacing it with a more realistic one that is focused less on criticism and more on improvement. For example, “I didn’t do as well as I thought, but a B+ is still a decent mark. I still have many opportunities to do well in this class.”
Fight the Tough Thoughts:
Some self-critical thoughts are harder to manage than others. For example, “I am ugly.” “I’m not good enough for x.” “I am a terrible person.” “I will always be alone.” “I am a failure.” For these kinds of thoughts, it may be helpful to think about whether they serve a real purpose for you. Do they help you achieve your goals, or do they make you feel worse about yourself?
Self-Compassion:
When you have a self-critical thought, try thinking about how you would respond to a friend if they expressed this negative thought to you. Would you talk to a friend this way? We often forget to be kind to ourselves and practice self-compassion. It may be helpful to change your inner dialogue from the first person to the third person, so it feels like you really are responding to a friend.
Mindfulness:
Practicing mindfulness allows you to acknowledge self-critical thoughts as they appear without judgment, and then let go of those negative thoughts. In practicing mindfulness, you will naturally learn to focus on the positive aspects of yourself. Mindfulness also helps us realize that we are all humans who are sometimes self-critical, which makes us feel less alone.
We’re Here to Help
- If you are someone who suffers from strong self-criticism, you may wish to address the reasons behind those tendencies with a psychologist or psychotherapist
- During this time of self-isolation, there are many options to receive help such as teletherapy and video therapy
- Patients have reported positive experiences with these methods, so please don’t be afraid to seek help, and take advantage of the resources available to you
